waking up

i am having the biggest headache..
i hate growing up!

jus a few years ago (countable with my fingers)
the biggest headache was getting home in time to not get scolded...
getting up n time for sch...
forgeting my PE attire..(which sadly is quite often)
learning my ting sieh...and getting at least a 60/100

but as u grow up..
u got more headache...
or rather..more complicated headache..

right nw.my headache is caused by insecurities..
which lead to indecisiveness...
which lands me in the land of nowhere..
making me feel useless, and not-gd-enough

i mean....
i look arnd mi everday, and see hw sucessful pple arnd me are..
its only natural to feel the way i do.
maybe its the restless mind, making my complexion worse!
=(

i wan to study!
i really do!
but i can nv be decided on a course on a course for long
i will be so confident one moment and the next after listening and thinking hard,
the stable pole is swayed again...

i wan to work!
i really do!
but i can nv decide on a industry..

i am begining to hate myself..

the happy-go-lucky me that some of u see me as is jus a cover..
nw u noe.
this so called "xin fu taitai" is jus a useless piece of crap...

wen pple ask wat i am doing nw.
i reply with a "taitai" top with my "xin fu smile"
well...
each time i say tat..its like a arrow piercing into my body..
which bring me back to reality tat iam not doing anything productive..
=l

where is the old workaholic tat i am?

i guess...this insecurities also made mi a terrible gf..
poor boy have been putting up with my temper.
my unreasonable requests..or rather demands..

he got a stressful job to handle, and on top of tat..
a really unreasonable gf..who cant control her temper and wants everything her way.

i've nv really tell him tis before..
but..
i am really sorry.
i cant control myself too..
=(
everyday. i am jus trying to test his limit..

and i dun understand wat he sees in me..
i only noe hw to pick on his "cons" and take his 'pros" for granted.
SIGH
each time i tell myself i will become a gd gf...
but each time i fail...
i need to change!
change change change!

the fact tat my age is jus jumping higher each time scares me..
i am living in a world of denial..
i need help..
and i am the only one who can help myself.

i need a change..
a complete change
in lifestyle..
in character..

♥whereislalang?